The difference between reality and the space between the ears...

A lot of the time I struggle to know the difference....

Right now I'm battling with some inner demons that are telling me I'm unworthy, fat, ugly and are telling me history will repeat itself. With this soundtrack playing I find myself reading into things too much. I find myself second guessing my decisions. My OCD habits return and at times I hear things that were never said.

But how do I tell what is real now? What is (if any) women's intuitions? I don't know...

Over feeling like I'm loosing the plot.

The power of a good vent

After my last post, I have been feeling much more positive. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and my heart.

As a mother I have felt connected and less stressed. I've been taking delight in my boys achievements. I sat back and took stock on just how far G has come since starting school. It is really mind boggling just how much he has learnt. I know its just the start, and quite frankly I'm so excited to watch him grow and mature into a wonderful young man...
I've been paying more attention to A in play. He has such an active imagination! He is such an adorable kid when he isn't pushing my buttons.

As a housewife I have felt in control. The washing up has been done of a night, the house is clean, I did all the filing today. I have been cooking better meals instead of just finding something to throw in the oven and be done with it.

As a wife I'm feeling less disconnected... Although much more improvement is needed in this area.

I even managed to make a newborn crochet set for a friend.

A large mood boost is some wonderful news from my best friend... I'm so happy for her!

.

I'm not even sure what to call this post. Where I'm going with it, or what I hope to feel after. All I know is that I need to clear my mind.

I'm feeling little ... Not sure. Odd. Depressed. Alone. Scared. Confused. Overwhelmed.

Feeling a little lost.

Right now nothing seems to be going right. The whole family unit feels ... Un-Unified...

I feel that I'm lacking as a wife, mother and house keeper. Scratch that... I KNOW I'm lacking in those departments.

As a mother I feel like a baby sitter. I often feel disconnected from the boys. Going through the motions day to day. Just hanging on until bedtime... Most days remind me of how it was when G was a baby and I was in the grips of PND. I'm wasting away some of the most beautiful times of their lives.

As a wife I feel like a housemate. I feel disconnected from him. I guess I have pulled away a bit as I get worried what he would think/feel with the craziness that's overwheming my mind of late.

As a housewife I feel like a slacker. I wish I was on top it all, all the time. But I'm not. I know the boys mess up a lot of what do, but I know I should be trying harder. I just slip into this state and its the last thing that I want to do.

So tonight marks the end to another weekend. Tomorrow the start of yet another week of fake smiles, hurried home to hide away again.

Anxiety is an evil bitch....

J is inisiting I drive into the city tomorrow....

Panic is setting in.

There is the fear of breaking down. The fear of breaking down somewhere I can't pull off the road. The fear of being stranded.

I know I need to pull myself through these thoughts and ignore the crazy.

Hard to do though.

Logically I know that even if the worst were to happen (car breaks down, somewhere unable to pull off the road, in peak hr). That it really isn't the end of the world.... When the panic sets in makes it really hard to remember that.

Panic. Fear. Crazy. Damn you mind, can't you just let me be?

The art of silence

For someone who talks a lot, I also feel that that I practice the art of silence a lot.
Ignorance is bliss. Don't rock the boat. The art of silence.
I don't voice my opinion a lot anymore. Well any opinion that may be in strong contrast to others around me.
I havent always been like this. Actually as child I was a brat. As a teenager I was outgoing. But now as an adult I was to blend into the background.
I'm pretty sure I know what exactly changed me to make me like this, but regardless of what caused it - it has some massive drawbacks. Take right now for instance. There is debate in this house on a new car for me as my car is also the track toy. Due to finances and time restraints its been a long build. I have been driving this car on a daily basis even when it has been playing up, being that untuned or faults with parts.
Over all I would have thought I have been quite patient. I try not to complain or bitch. But it has taken its toll on me emotionally. I suffer from anxiety and OCD. The more 'issues' with the car, the more anxious I get about it, and that filters down to driving also. I have a large fear of breaking down and being stranded. Regardless of the distance required to travel the fear is large. The worse the car is the more crippling the fear. I get full body shakes, tightness in the chest, increased heart rate, (TMI sorry) the runs. And that's for a short drive.
All this has taken its toll on my mental health. Ive hit a wall and I really don't want to do it anymore. I dream of simplicity. I dream of getting in a car and just driving. Not worrying about idles and oil temps and pressures. I dream of ignorance.
The dream is getting closer to coming to light with the discussions around here. Although now these discussions have stalled which lead back to the art of silence.

My opinion is opposite to his. He is only happy with one car which is impossible to find. Mine is more flexible. I quietly voice it, but when his opinion is louder I back down.

If I could have my opinion safely heard, it would be.

I want a cheap to run, comfortable 4cyl manual. It is going to be my car, so I want to be happy with it. I realise you are the one fixing it and paying for it, but please be more flexible. Please think outside the square. Please allow me to step into my dream, and release some of this anxiety that bounds me.

The amazing mind of a child

Garretts capacity to learn seriously amazes me daily.
Last year he refused to let me teach him anything. He would flat out refuse to listen when we talked alphabet or numbers. He didn't like to be read to. He couldn't write his name. His speech was well behind.
Just 9 months into his schooling life, and he has picked the ball up and shot out of the park. He has caught up to the average for his age, and in some respects has well exceeded expectations.
He loves to write. He is starting to read. His speech is almost back on track.
It is seriously amazing just how much he has picked up in such a small space of time.

Bekky the builder...

I got sick of the junk that was visible from under stairs. Thank god for bunnings and cheap fencing solutions. Around $20 for this, and now it looks a lot cleaner! Needs to be attached better to the steps though (currently held on by the twist ties that were in packet with the fencing!).

 

Beauty of old windows... The gorgeous wood found under stupid layers paint. The job is crazy hard work though. So much so I have given up for now. I bought a Sander and a tin of paint stripper. But its still damn hard work!  

I talked about this in a previous post. 

They were built to solve a storage problem in the boys room. I used the pieces from their old flat pack drawers that ande broke. 

I cant take credit for this though... This was Jason's handywork. Will look great when its finished.

My apologies for the strange formatting on this post. Blogger is gone wack today.

 I have been hard at work around the house. Poor Jase has been working hard to provide for us, so I've been using my time at home to good use.

Holy preservative Batman

I'm not much of a newage mum. I don't care how much tv they watch. I don't buy organic food. I let them eat crap. Chocolates have been had for breakfast.

I'm not worried by preservatives.

Luckily! As these cupcakes, and then Ande's 3rd birthday cake had butt loads of them in it.
A friend had mentioned rainbow cakes on Facebook. I did a Google on how exactly this is done, and stumbled upon this YouTube clip ---->http://www.youtube.com/user/fondasaurusrex#p/u/9/9AOuFn83-n4
So, obviously I had to give it a go. 

They worked well, which gave me the confidence to try the cake for Ande's birthday.
As his party and birthday were on different days, he got 2 cakes.

Not for the faint hearted... When eaten in large quantities (as ande did!) It will turn shit green!

Necessity is the mother of all invention

It is really is true. Necessity is really the mother of invention.

I struggle with keeping the boys clothes in order. Once upon time they had an IKEA set just like this...

But captain insainty (aka. Ande) used it as a ladder come launch pad, and that was then end of that flat pack.
Jase had built the boys this set of shelves as toy/child storage awhile ago.

I looked at it and thought about how I could use them to now solve the storage issue.

My first idea was to fill the spaces with baskets. The boys usually put their own clothes away, and pick their own clothes out. This inevitably means their drawers end up resembling some kind of multicoloured vortex where nothing will ever stay clean, folded or in order.

This worked..... Somewhat. Would have been perfect if the boys didn't own their own mini store collection of clothes each. The baskets were smaller than the cubbies, and they have so much to fit in that finding anything became a shitfight, and/or they just dumped everything out on the floor.


So next up I folded up all there clothes into the cubbies. But shortly after, cyclone ande came to town. This was the aftermath.

So back to the drawing board. When the original drawers broke, I dismantled what was left and kept what I thought might be of use. Over the weekend I got out these bits and pieces, put on my 'surely this can't be that hard' hat, and got to work creating some drawers to place inside the cubbies.

Ok so they aren't that great.

Yep. They're a bit shit.

Ok... Quite shit... 

But I made them. I made them from cutting up shitty preloved flat pack. And they work. Their clothes fit. They can find want they want. And hopefully, they won't destroy them.

Hey, one can dream?

Wonderful Wednesday

I've decided that I really need to take time out each week (well, each day would be better but I won't bore you with that) to remember what is wonderful about my life. There are days like today when I really need to remember to keep myself from banging my head against the wall.

Quiet moments
Right now, as I type this, I'm laying on Garrett's bed, gorgeous QLD sunshine is flickering through the wooden blinds. Ande is (was) quietly watching sesame st. I have a chance after sorting through some toys for charity to just chill. I'm not sure why, but lately I've much preferred to relax in the boys room, rather than my own. I guess because its just so much more inviting with the winter sun warming up this side of the house.
I so could go for a nanna lap right about now.

Happy Ande after naughty Ande and wonderful uplifting friends
This morning I was mortified when Ande threw a tantrum at the shops. He isn't one that regularly has those public displays of aggression (private is a whole other matter!), so it still catches me off guard when he doesn't stop after the first word of warning. I gave up what I was doing and we came home. I had a sook on Facebook and was almost instantly reassured that his behaviour wasn't a direct reflection on my parenting skills. It so often feels like it is, so to be so quickly uplifted was comforting as well as reassuring.
After we got home, ande must have realised that he'd pushed me to my limits and has returned to happy Ande. Typical.

Access to good quality drugs
Before you start calling DOCS and scream 'won't somebody please think of the children' lovejoy from the Simpsons style. I'm talking painkillers. I've had an horrible toothache that nothing I tried had worked at giving me any real relief for any real length.of time. That is until today. I've got something new, and for about 2 and a bit hours I've been feeling relatively normal.

I don't even have to brave pick up today as Garrett is getting a lift home!

The simple pleasures

I had the most wonderful of phone calls today.

Probably the best I have had all week. Maybe all month.

It was Jase. He called just to say that he loves me.

That is all. Nothing more, nothing less.

The feeling I got from this simple act I cant put into words. It meant so much at that point in time for him to have made that call. I still have goosebumps when I think about it...

Yep, Love is a simple - but marvelous thing. 3 simple words.

The race car family

We are a different breed of family here. We love cars, heck we named our first born after a turbo. We are a Nissan family, and own and drive imports. Our family car is a 2dr Nissan r33 skyline. That's my car, and I love it (more so when we get it tuned properly soon!).

On the weekend we went to the race track for 'happy laps'. Happy laps, for those that don't know is where you can take your car, out on the race track for a few laps. No silliness, just fun driving. We've done this a few times before, but this week we took the boys out for the first time.

Oh. My. Goodness.

The boys adored every minute of it. Garrett picked cars ahead and said that he was 'driving' those. Ande made more car noise than what my car did.

The experience its self would have been enough to make my day, but more so because of the pure joy I could see on their faces.

Here are a few snaps taken on the track.

My poor neglected sewing cabinet

I'm not proud to admit it, especially when a lot of sewers would LOVE a Horn sewing cabinet. Mine is very unloved of late.
Over the past few years I've gone from sewing all day most days, to rarely sewing at all. Just after the peak of my sewing, my grandmother offered me her sewing cabinet. It was lovingly received and it rekindled my love of sewing.
Since buying this house and moving my sewing time has diminished to the point were my machine now lays idle for months at a time. The only reason it has been used at all lately is because I could not find any winter pants for G for school which resulted in me having to make them.
A reason it doesn't get used would be that probably around year ago A lost my key for the cabinet, and the spare we found for it a month or so later. Getting the machine out was a mission without the keys! When the passion isn't there, that amount of effort just isn't worth it.
All of this brings us to this week. J found a set of old keys under the house, which fit the cabinet. Today I have hemmed up 3 sets of pants for G, turned a size 10 jumper into a 7, and then cleaned and reorganized the cabinet.

Gosh its nice to have it all clean and organised, maybe it will spark my Passion again?

Raising gentle boys in a rough world

As my boys get older, the more I start to realise just how rough the world is. As a child you have huge blinders on courtesy of your parents. They have protected you from the evils until you have been mature enough to start processing and handling the world on your own.

Nothing changes your world view quite like having children. I didn't think of the consequences of most of my actions, or generally the world around me before kids. Well I did, but nothing like I do since having the boys. Now that I'm the one providing the blinders - I need to see so much more. I need to see to be able to best protect them from harm. Even just this afternoon I had to defend A against a bully at school who was standing over him at the toilets.

Garrett

I have 2 very different boys. As babies they were almost spitting image. Almost that same weight (100g difference), almost the same height. Looked the same. But as they have grown into their personalities - and at least at this point they are like chalk and cheese.

G is my now 5 year old. He is so kind and gentle. He is selfless and sweet. Its almost like he spends his days just trying to find a way to make the people around him happy. He is not a rough boy, quite the opposite. He hates confrontation. He doesn't fight and even when picked on he struggles to bring himself to fight back.

Ande

A is my very rough, very active 2 year old. He is very much in the 'terrible two's'. He is very spirited and quite often plays the part of the bully in his relationship with his brother. I'm praying that this is just a stage and he too will calm down.

Trying to encourage G to keep his gentle personality in this society is proving difficult. Daddy insists that when he is picked on, he must fight back. If he doesn't fight back he only sets himself up for more bullying. Although as much as G has been told he can fight back if he needs to, he doesn't. When A steals his toys, he tells me about it. When I tell him to go get them back he struggles to fight A to get them back. Its just not in his personality to fight back.

G is very protective of me and A. He has taken to the role of big brother and eldest son very well. His protective side coupled with his gentle caring personality will set him up greatly for being a wonderful gentleman later in life. But his gentle personality is setting him up for a difficult childhoods thus far. He has only been at school for 18 weeks, and has been bullied multiple times already.

If anyone is wondering how we 'made' a gentle boy like G. I don't think that we can actually take any real credit. G is a mini Poppy, and Poppy was most wonderful kind gentleman that I will ever know. My two older brothers are also gentle natured gentleman, so obviously my up bringing nurtures such personalities. I'm quite protective of the boys, and I'm also very affectionate with them. If you have read my previous post on love, I have similar thoughts in relation to my boys. Although the unconditional love comes alot easier towards them! I am forever telling them how much I love them. We have games of  'I love you THIS <-------------> much, although its now become 'I love you *insert strange object here* much'. Lots of hugs and kisses and alot of love here.

I guess the trick for me as their mum will be to keep the gentle personality while instilling them with the self confidence to defend themselves or those they love if the need arises. A balancing act that I hope for their sake I can pull off!

Love is a choice

Well, for me it is anyway.

I say love is a choice for me because I choose to love my husband on his bad days. I choose to stand by him even when our chips are down and our life together isn't rosey. I do this because I know that under all this superficial layer of stress and worry, I love him and he loves me. The rest will come and go - but our love will be there under it all.

I don't expect every day to be perfect. I don't expect that he will always be on his best behaviour. At times will say things that may not be nice. I try to ignore these things because I know that he loves me. I also know that I am not perfect. I know that there are times when I will snap and take it out on him, and I pray that at those times he will choose to ignore my faults - and choose to love me despite them.

The way I see it, is that in a relationship your other half is your soft place to fall. When things are good it is easy to be happy, love will be in abundance and the relationship seems to be effortless. When things get tough, it takes alot out of relationship and this is when it takes work to keep things moving. The rewards for moving through the bad times back into good are priceless though, so its well worth the effort.

I actively work on our relationship every day. I can not control his actions, but I can control my own. I make sure that I give him a kiss and cuddle and tell him I love him every morning before he leaves for work. I do this because its important to me that he is reminded of this, just incase, God forbid, the worst happens. I want him to never forget that I love him. I try to never go to bed angry, that just makes things worse for me.

Another way that I actively work on our relationship is that I do things for him. I get up and I make his coffee and his lunch for the day every morning. I do not do these things for him because I am his 'slave', but I do these things as an act of love towards him. I know that doing these things make him happy, and I am only to happy to do that for him. I am a stay at home mum, and I feel my job is to keep the house running. I do these jobs out of love too. I am very thankful that he carries the financial burden of family so that I can be the wife and mother I had always dreamed of being.

What he does for me I can not put into words. He loves me completely. He makes me feel safe and secure when I'm scared. He makes me feel beautiful when I'm feeling fugly. He was my rock when I lost my father to cancer. He stands tall and supports me and our family from attacks. He puts up with my ramblings even though he has never been a 'talker' (I never shut up ;)). When my over active imagination takes my mind to 'bekkyland', he is there to pull me back to earth.  He is defiantly the Man of this house, strong and dependable.

Of course a marriage isn't one sided, but I can only do my best to make sure I keep up my end of the bargain. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

And heck, it isn't that hard when you sit back and think about it.... Because in the end - I love him, and he loves me... and as long as this is still true, the rest doesn't matter.

The Happiness project...

As part of the happiness project over at seven cherubs, I had been logging a happy moment from each day - a one sentence happiness journal. When the laptop and media centre died, I lost track of it. But since I like to see things through - here is my month of looking at the sunny side of things...

April 10th
Its not the act of baking that makes me happy, but the knowledge that I'm doing something that makes the ones I love happy. Its an act of love.

April 11th
I'm happy in the knowledge that I have surrounded myself with genuine friends. Ones that prop me up when I'm at risk of falling.

April 12th
Happy that I can push myself to exercise, even though I wasn't feeling up to it.

April 13th
Today is my birthday. I am happy that I have so many that love me, and even though I am very sad that my father is no longer here to celebrate this day with me, knowledge that he loves me, and is looking down on me today.

April 14th
Oh Google Latitute, I <3 you! Happiness today is knowing where J is on the road without having to harrass him for updates.


April 15th
Happiness is having both your babies home! School holidays have begun!

April 16th
My friends make me happy. Having such wonderful people here today to help me celebrate my birthday, have made me remember how blessed I am to have friends like them.

April 17th
Happiness today is the laptop surviving a glass of coke spilling over it!

April 18th
I am very happy to realise that even though we are struggling, we are not down and out.

April 19th
Routines make me happy.

April 20th
What makes me happy today? The fact that my husband made it home safe after 17hours at work and then a 1+hr drive home.

April 21st
Being woken up after falling asleep on the couch by A shaking my face saying "Wake up Mummy!" makes me happy. So very cute, and funny.

April 22nd
Family time makes me happy. Good Friday and J has the day off. Its been a wonderful time having him home.

April 23rd
Having knitting/crocheting skills makes me happy. Finishing an item that Im really happy with boosts my self esteem and I take alot of pride in my work.

April 24th
Baking for others makes me happy.

April 25th
Today, I am happy as I am free. Lest we forget.

April 26th
School holidays make me happy. I love spending time with my boys.

April 27th
Mummy free time makes me happy. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and geez I miss the kids when they aren't here!

April 28th
I am happy knowing that even on the tough days, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

April 29th
Being able to look after my sick child makes me happy. I am very thankful that I have been given the gift of being a stay at home mum and not worry about work.

April 30th
Saturdays make me happy. The weekend, family time, these are the things that happiness is made of.

May 1st
My hubby makes me happy. I love being his wife.

May 2nd
Happiness is a school morning that runs like clockwork.

May 3rd
Happiness... Uhhh, today would be knowing that I'm not as reliant on technology as I thought I was.

May 4th
I am happy that I am here.

May 5th
My hubby's work ethic makes me happy and proud. Happiness is knowing that he loves us so much that he is willing to work insane hours just to keep this little family ticking over.

May 6th
The end of the week makes me happy.

May 7th
My boy's make me happy. They are such gorgeous little ones!

May 8th
Happiness is being the Mother to two amazing little boys.

May 9th
Being frugal makes me happy!

May 10th
I am happy that my usual bad luck of 10 and 5 did not eventuate this year!

Monday, what a day!

I spoke to G's teacher yesterday and she did know about the bathroom bullying incident from last week and it had been dealt with appropriately. We discussed his need for more self confidence and how best to tackle that.

She then informs me just how much of a delight my little man is... This I already know ;)

So yes, point one to a great start to Monday.

A and I proceed to the shops to get him a foot stool for the loo to assist his tiny body with toilet training. When we brought this home, he placed it a the loo himself and later on went and did his business. He was super proud of himself (as he is too little to climb up himself usually).

Point two.

Headache comes on just before lunch. Pain killers do diddley squat so I spend the rest of the day in bed waiting for pick up time to roll around.

Minus one point.

A and I left home early to go see G receive his good behaviour award at school. We stop in at the office first to drop off some paperwork. I was ignored until the ladies had finished their conversation. Charming.

Minus one more point.

A and I go back up to the hall and wait at the back. I brought he camera, and was able to capture this...

G receiving his silver behaviour award. 2nd level up :) Awesome work buddy!

Add at least 20 points.

After I took this photo Ande insists that he needs to use the loo. I figured we'd seen him get his award, and rather than disturb the assembly coming back in, we just left it at that. Found out after that G had received another award. This one was received in front of the whole assembly. I missed this one.

Minus at least 10 points.

The whole afternoon at home the boys were FERAL. I so desperately needed respite but J was still at work.

Minus 5 points.

I made sausage pasta bake for dinner, and G and A ate all their dinner. A actually ate all his dinner and all of his second helping.

Add 5 points.

J gets home in a good mood and we have a family viewing of Mythbusters. Both boys snuggled in with Daddy. I love watching that.

Add 5 points.

Went to bed at a decent hour, and A slept through the night - in his own bed!!!

Add 10 points.

Monday's total: 25 points.

I'd say that over all that makes for a pretty good Monday.

Bullies, may you all get whats coming to you.

I'm a mumma bear, I've gone over this before. So when poor G started crying over me telling him to hurry up and get in his seat, I knew something more had gone on today.

At first I told him to stop crying, and when he wouldn't, I told him to let it all out. After a few minutes of this I said "Ok matey, tell Mummy what's happened today." It all came out so quick that I could barely make sense of it all. So after alittle bit of replay with him, this is what happened today.

During class, he has gone to the toilet.
Corey from another prep class has pushed the door open on him.
He has said to him 'Stop it. I don't like it" (as he has been told to do)
Corey has snapped that back at him.
Corey has continued to open the door up on G while has he been desperately trying to go to the loo and also been fighting to keep the door closed... He tells me that he tried to lock it, but Corey just pushed it open again...
At some point Corey has laughed at him saying "I can see your bum".

I guess its all pretty harmless, but I've seen this happen to another child and I had to intervene as I could hear the fear in the childs voice. To think that my own baby has had to go through this, breaks my heart. Its obviously got him pretty shaken up as he is still upset now. Any small thing is setting him off. He tells me that he told his teacher, and she said "I'll deal with it". So I hope that they do.

Actually, no its not 'harmless'. How would you like the toilet door being pushed open constantly, when you have fought back and told the person no. It is bullying, and I know I wouldn't like it one little bit.

It may all be a part of growing up, but its a part Im going to struggle most with.

Meal Planning

Righto - I'm endeavoring to be ontop of it this fortnight! Groceries done (for those interested, I'll tally up the food side of it and do another post on that. It was $150 for the fortnight including nappies and everything to make G's birthday cake.)



Wednesday
Chicken Cordon bleu w/ chips and veggies (We picked up these from our butchers, 6 for $10. So hopefully they taste ok!)
Thursday
Beef stew w/ dumplings (Stew to be made with left over stir fry sauce - so lets see how this works)
Friday
Tacos
Saturday
Pizza and sausage rolls if needed
Sunday
Chicken + bacon risotto (- the bacon, since I forgot it. LOL!)
Monday
Sausage pasta bake
Tuesday
Pies w/ chips and veggies
Wednesday
Corned beef w/mash
Thursday
Bubble n' squeak w/ extra nuggets and veggies
Friday
Hot dogs
Saturday
Chili con carne puffs (Ill post up about this when I do them, hopefully they work!)
Sunday
Bangers and mash
Monday
Chicken cordon bleu w/ chips and veggies
Tuesday
Sausage pasta bake or bolognaise bake




Wish me luck!

Just another face in the crowd

Something happened this morning, and after a wonderful debrief with one of my best friends, its led me to wonder...

Now G is at school, is he just another face in the crowd?

At this stage of our boys lives, no one loves or cares for them more than my husband and I do. With G starting school - I have had to let go a little. Start to trust others more and generally start taking the first steps back to allow him to grow into a wonderful young man. Problem for me is, taking those steps and wondering what will happen to him when I do.

The incident this morning was when I was leaving after drop off. A had needed to use the toilet so we were leaving awhile after bell. While walking out the gates a little girl not much older G (so around 6) was walking in the gate. She was crying and walking alone. I stopped and asked her if she was ok (stupid question really.. obviously she isn't!). When she said no, I asked her if she wanted me to take her to the office, she nodded. I walked her into the office and told the ladies that she needed some help. The office ladies dismissed her and sent her on her way to class as she wasn't 'late' yet. Bell goes at 8.45, it was 8.59, 'late' is 9.00. She left the office and I asked her if she needed a hug, which threw her alittle I think, she declined (Good too I guess - stranger danger and all!) and I said goodbye and she left.

I would hope that if that was my child and another mother had brought them into the office that someone, anyone would care enough to find out why my child was upset. I felt ill that she was so easily dismissed.

She was just another face in the crowd to them.

Not that this child will ever settle for being 'just a face in the crowd'!

I know that part of growing up is to build resilience and independence, but at what cost - and at what age? To me, 6 is still young and in need of care. There are mum's who leave their Prepy's (so 4-5yr olds) well before the bell goes, drop them at the gate and trust that they will be safe and will get themselves to class. I can't do that. I can't even bring myself to even drop him off and wait in the car, I walk him up and wait with him until the classroom opens. There are no staff on duty at this hour, so I stay to make sure he safe.

Now my first born is out in the world. Starting to have all these new experiences that I can't control. I can no longer protect him from all the evils in the world. This scares the living day lights out of me. He is still so young, but for a large chunk of his day he is just another face in the crowd. There is no one there that has HIS best interests at heart 100% of the time. There is always going to be an element of risk where he isn't protected. His first few weeks at school he had already been picked on physically. But before today I was pretty sure that at least the ladies in the office would care if he came in crying... obviously not.

Its a hard job, being a parent. I keep reminiscing back to when they were newborns when I could bundle them up tight and keep them safe. As my mum says, they are my cubs and I am their mumma bear - I need to protect them. But as they get older, there is less and less that I can protect them from and this mumma bear is struggling.

Am I alone in this? Are you a parent who finds it easy to step back?

Meal Planning

Oh dear, I'm so slack with this! Anyway, here is our meal plan - and a new one will be coming in the next day or so...


Monday
Slow cooked chili con carne w/ cheese dumplings


Tuesday
Bubble n' squeak


Wednesday
Slow cooked meatballs


Thursday
Steak, jacket potatoes and veggies


Friday
Fish, mash and veggies


Saturday
Dinner at Friends house


Sunday
Roast pork, Jacket potatoes and veggies


Monday
Slow cooked Beef ribs


Tuesday
Chicken and bacon carbonara

Baking for lunches
Butterscotch brownies
Cheese and tomato muffins
Carrot muffins
Chocolate muffins
'Pizza' popcorn
Piklets

We're up to Beef ribs for tonight (which I had better go and put on!). I've been jotting down ideas for use with the leftovers that I freeze, so in the next fortnight we will have:

Chilli con carne puffs
Bubble n' squeak w/ extras.

I've also jotted down any meal ideas from meat that I find in the deep freeze, so that when I write up the next meal plan it will be a simple one and I will spend less at shopping and use up some food from the freezer.

Cheap cleaning products

Gosh I love being frugal... :) I have no shame when it comes to discounts, discount stores or anything labelled as cheap. If it saves us a buck (hey, even a cent I'd be happy!) I'm there.

I had to stop in at the chemist today and get A some cough mix, and next door is Sam's warehouse. I went in looking for snaplock sandwich bags as G wants them for his lunches, and well I refuse to pay more than $2 for them... But what I found today was a whole smorgasbord of cheap cleaning products! I got everything I was going to get when I did the groceries this week, but mostly brandnames - and for less than I would pay for homebrand anyway!

What did I get:

Laundry liquid 5L - (Supreme brand) -$6.99 (Shelf said $6 though... Not happy Jan!)
Fabric conditioner concentrate (Clean Scene-  used this before and it has held a gorgeous scent in the clothes, even after been lined dried) - $1 x 2
Creme cleanser (Clean Scene) - $2
Morning Fresh dishwashing liquid - $2
Kitchen cleaner spray (Supreme) - $2 (Ajax ones there for $2.49, but I thought-  meh I'll save myself $0.49 just opting for the no name)
Radiant liquid (For linen and towels) - $2

I wasn't 'needing' the radiant liquid, but we have issues with our towels, so I figured for $2 I could see if its just a gimmick or if will help our towel clean better and stay nicer for longer.)

Notice that the one thing I went in for, I didn't get?! I couldn't find any :( Either they don't stock them anymore or they have moved them and I didn't find them. Oh well. Aldi ones should be cheap enough.

Can't wait to get cleaning now... I know - sad hey!

But always remember, something is only a bargain if you actually need it... otherwise its just wasting money!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.... Today it isn't enough!

Before having kids, I had a magical view on the world of parenthood. Even when I babysat for friends it was by most a wonderful experience, one I presumed would flow over into my parenting experience.

Because babysitting is just like parenting... right?

WRONG.  DEAD WRONG.

Its days like today that I'm left almost bald. I'm breathing so deep that I hyperventilate. I'm taking 'Mummy time out' and I'm reaching for the wine glass. Hell, if I smoked - I'd be chain smoking this afternoon. I'm counting to 10 to calm myself down, but when I get there I feel worse than when I started.

Thinking about the boys behaviour this afternoon, they haven't been over the top naughty... I guess... Its just that evil combination of Mummy in a bad mood and one or two wrong moves from the kids.... Its all downhill from here.

A has become this feral toddler at home. He has started backchatting, he is throwing his toys with a force that should have its own category warning system on it. He is hitting G, or sitting on his head, or stealing his toys, or stealing my money. Right this second, he was stealing my wool boxes from beside my bed - my best guess would be to make a web of wool for me to clean up later. I told him to put the box back, which he did. Begrudgingly. Serious attitude. He strutted back in, and threw it back on the pile! I smacked his hand for it, and now he is in the lounge screaming "I want my Daddy!". Number of hairs left on my head is rapidly decreasing! It is just general naughty 2 yr old behaviour really, but every time he does something its like nails down a chalk board. No, scrap that because nails down a chalk board doesn't annoy me. Its like hearing someone eat. The chewing sound does my head in and I feel like screaming. So yeah, his behaviour is like the chewing sound, and I'm at my wits end this afternoon.

J wants to deal with A's backchatting and disrespect, because obviously my discipline methods aren't working. Problem is, he only gets about 5 hours through the week with the boys, the rest is all me. The buck stops with me.

Where did I go wrong? G is such a lovely well behaved child... A, well A is A. A pain in the Arse! And I can say that, because I am his Mum, and I do love him - despite this rant!

Seriously, the one hour till bedtime seriously can't come soon enough!

Kids birthday parties, A joyous occasion, or a test in strength of character?

We are now on the downhill stretch to G's 5th birthday. His first birthday where he has had school friends to invite, or in our case - not invite.
Poor G has been left out of about 70% of the birthday parties so far this year, and Ive seen how upset he has become over it so I endeavoured to spare other kids of this pain. Although even as I'm typing this I wonder why I bothered - other parents didn't take my sons feelings into consideration, why should I go so far out of my way to protect others.

Last night G and I sat down and wrote out the invites. I am super dooper proud of him, he wrote the guests name and his name on EVERY invite! First time too, no practice runs! All were legible too, well 4yr old legible handwriting anyway!

We put them into plain white envelopes so that when we put the few ones into the communication pockets at school, they just looked like normal school stuff.

The other invites have all been just the invite itself, placed into the pocket, so it stood out clearly which kids were invited, and which were not. Ok, maybe it just stood out to me because G rarely gets invited!

Its crazy when I think about it. A 10 kid party doesn't actually stretch out that far. Once you take out the birthday boy and his brother and 3 family friends, it only leaves 5 kids from school. How do these other parents afford to invite 10-15 of the class?! We'll be scrimping to pull his off!

The expense of birthday parties is a hidden one. I was thinking about having one at home or the park, to save some money, but once you factor in food, party bags, decoration your up already $50 - $100. Not to mention providing entertainment too! G's Hungry Jacks party is all inclusive (bar the cake, which I'm hoping a dear friend of mine will make, or I will), and only costs just a touch under $70 for the 10 kids - and whats best...? I don't have to entertain them, keep a hawk eye on them or clean up after! The last one is probably worth $70 by itself!

G has already learnt that you cant be invited to every party. I'm hoping he remembers that this by no reflection on him. So I pray the other children realise this too.

Talk about some bad luck!

Hide me.... 


Please!!!





This little household has had its fair share of bad luck. Ok, more than our fair share I think... More like someone piled the plate high with seconds and still asked for some more...

The reason I haven't been posting is included in this run of bad luck, but Ill get to that in turn.

So where did it all start?? I guess it was back with the washing machine dieing a month or so ago. I cleaned it after I had read a blog post from the The organised housewife and within days it had stopped working for no apparent reason. It was over 5 years old, so we figured it could just be its time.

My mind is in a jumble from it all, so Ill just list it all...

Fridge died on mothers day
One of the back stairs collapsed - while I was standing on it - at my own birthday party!
G's had a cough for about a month
The hot water system blew a fuse (we fixed it less than 6 months ago, so if its going to do this again we're going to have to replace it too)
We did everything by the book, and now being told we were overpaid after the floods.
I broke my little toe
A may have broken his nose
J's clutch failed yesterday
While using phone banking (because I had not Internet!) A computer glitch paid the same bill twice.

But the biggest to affect this blog, is that the computers died. Both of them. almost at once.
J has a music PC for his production and mixing, and we have a laptop. The music PC died, and he was looking how to fix it on the laptop when the laptop blue screened. Its taken almost a full spindle of DVDs to back up the laptop hard drive, and even that wont cover programs, so we're waiting on a external hard drive or something to be able to do a complete back up on it. Whatever the case, its been hard going around here!

All this computer free time has given me time to get some other projects done, so stay tuned for updates on those. Ive been asked to blog my shopping list and meal plan so others can see how I do it on the cheap, so hold on for that one.... and on the whole cheap options, come back when I put up the boys quilts, made from their old baby clothes! Very waste not want not!

So I might hang up the keyboard for today. Typing from the music PC is oh so uncomfortable! The keyboard is mounted on the wall, so my arms are about to loose feeling... actually my fingers have gone cold!

A moment of solitude

Yesterday I needed a moment to myself. A moment of quiet. A moment to take stock.

Around here, it can never be longer than a moment. There isn't enough time for longer than a moment! Even as I type this Im being used as a climbing post.

So yesterday, this is where I took my time out.

I was in the middle of cleaning off the trampoline and I had alook around and realised just how beautiful it is in our backyard.



I lay down on the tramp, and looked up at this... I just lay there for ages and reminded myself how lucky we are to have a home. Our own home too. This is the lucky country, and we have our own little slice of it.

My children have a safe place to play without me 

helicopter-ing over them. A safe place to explore, to grow and mature into wonderful young men. 

 This area (without the boys!) is so very peaceful. This was taken at about 3pm, the sun was flickering through the leaves of the many trees. It was so gorgeous. The whole area has a foliage canopy developing above it, so the boys aren't in the direct scorching Queensland sun to play.


In all of it, I realised just how blessed I am.

.... and how much I really need to buy a hammock!

The hardest working other half

My hubby's work ethic is something that should be documented. He is the hardest working man I know. He will work when he is sick, when he is tired, when he is hungover (lol!). He has a chronically bad back, and he's knee's are giving him grief - yet he will still put his hand up to do overtime.

Now I know he loves his job, but its all for the money ;) Still, tonight his work ethic has truly humbled me.

Here I am at home with our boys, having a relaxing evening. Where was he? Off just over an hour away from home, about to start some overtime work - even though he has just did his full day of work, starting at 7am. Tonight he worked from 5pm to 11.45pm. Almost a full extra days work he worked tonight!! Then to have to get in his car and drive an hour plus to get home.

I've been watching his movements thanks to Google latitude, and now he is only 12minutes from home.

Even though he has just worked a 17 hour day, he will get up early and get back to work tomorrow morning. Correction! This morning now!

Babe, you never cease to amaze me. I know I never tell you enough, but thank you. Thank you for working so hard to support us. I will forever be grateful for your sacrifices.

I love you.

Chicken and Bacon Carbonara pasta bake

Pasta bakes in this house seem to go further and fill tummy's more than just a pasta alone, so here is tonights dinner

Serves - 3 adult serves + 2 little kid serves.

Ingredients

1 chicken breast diced

1 onion diced

2-3 bacon rashes diced

2-3 cloves of garlic

200ml thickened cream

1 cup shredded cheese

sprinkling of Parmesan cheese.

300g pasta (I used up large and small shells)

Method

Put pasta onto cook (I cook ours in a rice steamer in the microwave)

In a pan, cook the onion, chicken and bacon. Add garlic

When the chicken is cooked through, mix through cream.

Mix the chicken and pasta together and place in a oven safe dish.

sprinkle cheese over the top, and top off with a sprinkling of parmesan cheese.

Bake for 20min - or until cheese has browned.

Take out and let rest for 10min.

Enjoy!

End of school routine

Today is G's first day of school holidays. Even though this is our first experience with school holidays - I want to get myself into a strong routine each holidays so that I'm prepared for the next term. Better to do everything at the start of the holidays instead of leaving it to the last minute!

To do:

• Wash school shoes
• Wash sneakers
• Soak school shirts
• Soak white socks
• Wash lunch bag
• Wash spare clothes and re-bag
• Wash school bag

We asked his teacher for a list of their sight words to work on over the holidays as well. We won't pushing the issue, but I think it will greatly help him to continue the learning over the break.

I haven't got much planned, other than some crafts and a couple of park visits. G's favourite past time is a mix of TV, computer and the DS, so I'll be letting him a veg out. I've got him Cloudy with a chance of meatballs, fantastic Mr Fox and UP to watch over the break too. 

What are some other movie suggestions?

Happy holidays everyone!

Birthday's really have changed!

Wednesday was my birthday... Happy birthday to me! It was a wonderful day, filled with joy from the cooked breakfast from Hubby and my cuddles from my beautiful boys.

But crikey my birthdays have changed since I was a child!

I share my birthday with my parents wedding anniversary. Dad used to joke about how the day was THEIR anniversary 1st, and my birthday second - but then act the opposite. All of my birthdays had happy memories attached, I never felt that my birthday wasn't special or important. It must have been quite a tightrope for them to keep the romance alive for their wedding anniversary and celebrate a child's birthday at the same time. No date night, but family dinners.
When my father died 2 years ago, this all changed. My birthday has this huge chunk of sadness attached to it. I spend alot of my birthday wondering how my mum is coping. This year was slightly easer to deal with for me, but I'm sure my Mum still struggled. My Dad was a very special man.

Smile and breathe Bekky.

There is another dramatic change in my birthdays since I was a child... My job doesn't stop for my birthday. I still have to cook, clean and look after the boys. Its never ending! I know that if I was in the workforce then I would have also had to go out to work and come home to all my other jobs!

All in all, I had a wonderful birthday this year!

Beef Cakes

As I said earlier, here is my recipe for tonight's dinner, Beef Cakes

A little history first...
Beef cakes came about from my love of dinners that I can throw in the oven and walk away.  The night that Beef Cakes were born, I had mince out, but couldn't be bothered to stand at the stove and cook rissoles, or wait around for a meatloaf to cook. So I decided to make mini meatloaves in muffin trays. I figured the principle was the same - it would just be shorter in cooking time.
The name Beef Cakes was because its what G called them when he saw me take them out of the oven, because of the muffin trays. LOL.

Ingredients
500g of Beef mince (although this would also work with Lamb or chicken)
1 small onion diced
a good dash of Tomato sauce
a good dash of Barbecue sauce
a good dash of Worcestershire sauce
1-2 cloves of garlic
1 tsp minced ginger
1 egg

Bonus extras: (anything within reason works here)
1/2 - 1 grated zucchini

I've put in grated potato, carrots, pumpkin etc previously. Anything you want to use up and hide from kids - this is a great recipe to do it!

Method


1. Preheat oven to 180c (fan forced)
2. Grease a 6 cup muffin tray, or a 12-24 cup cupcake tray
3. Mix all ingredients together in a bowl.
4. Put the mix into the trays and into the oven.
5. Bake for 20-25min, or until the tops have turned a healthy cooked brown.

Serve with mashed potato and veggies. Or like us tonight, with packet pasta!! Simple and easy meal.

What to do today

I'm a huge fan of lists, and since I need to get things done this week I'd better plan properly.

Major things that need sorting this week
Laundry
Bathroom
Front door
Patio

Today's list
Washing up
Oven
Strip pillow cases and such and wash
Do nit treatment (this wasn't on my list earlier. I check the boys hair regularly because G's class continually gets them. So I checked last night - and as usual clean as a whistle. But while waiting for G's teacher this morning, I noticed A had one in his hair. I think I know the exact moment he got it to. Not happy Jan. $25 out of pocket and more washing to be done!) Just need J and G to do their's when they get home.
Organise Laundry
Vacuum
Mop
Bring washing in
Remake beds
Dinner

Belated meal planning.

In all fairness, the actual meal plan itself wasn't belated, just my posting of it.

I used to meal plan a lot, but over the past 2 years I've slacked off but since following The Organised Housewife, I have got back into it. I find it makes me less lazy as I get my meat out in the mornings to defrost, so when dinner time comes - my cheap side can't flake out and buy takeaway. I can't bring myself to waste food.

So here is our fortnight meal plan, minus a few days....

Monday

Beef Cakes

Tuesday

Pies

Wednesday

Veal Tortellini

Thursday

G' Choice (read: takeaway)

Friday

Chicken Tenders

Saturday

Takeaway or eggs on toast

Sunday

Beef Strogganoff

Monday

Carbonara pasta bake 

Tuesday

Spagetti

Wednesday

Pies

I'll come back and link to recipes later.

Sunday baking...

Since G started school almost 12 weeks ago, Sunday has been my baking day. I use it to prep for the week ahead. I make all his lunches and freeze them. I make cakes, slices, popcorn and other treats and pack them all into individual portion sizes ready for a quick throw in the lunch box on school mornings.
The blessing is that this means I also do my hubby's lunches at the same time. I've slacked off in that dept. since having A, but now he always gets a home packed lunch.

This is the last week before holidays, and is cut short by a day. I've decided to let him have tuckshop on his last day, which means I only had to bake for 3 days instead of the usual 5.

Today's menu was:

Lemon cake

Cheese and onion crackers

I've also put on the roast lamb for tonight's dinner, made 2 pairs of long pants for G for school, stripped G's bed and hung out a load of washing!

Today was a productive day!

Parent Teacher Interviews spell panic...

... Well at least for me they do.

Yesterday was G's first ever Parent Teacher interview, and Im about to let you in on a secret that will probably make me sound like the worlds worst mother.

...I was expecting him to be at the bottom of his class.

I went in, with the full belief I would be told that he was struggling, that he needed help, that he wasn't smart.

or more to the point, that I had failed him.

I tried to do flash cards in his toddler years. I tried to encourage him to write. I did all the things that I thought 'good' mum's would do with their children preparing them for school. But G was never into it. He'd be over it in 5 seconds flat and Im not one to push. So we spent our time doing thing that made us happy (which was mainly ABC on the TV...!).
With his speech delays (which, yes something I also feel is my fault, but thats a whole other post!), I just expected to be told that as sweet as he is, he's not all that bright.

Horrible. I know.

Mother's should be the ones believing their kids are the biggest and brightest stars. Don't get me wrong, I love my boy as much as I love a good poo chicken knock knock joke, I just had the bar set pretty low for him.

So turns out that I was wrong. I haven't failed him (woo!).

I'm not sure where he sits in the class 'rankings' (even if there is such a thing in Prep!), but he is far from the lowest. Even factoring in being one of the youngest students, and having a speech delay - he is doing really really well.

So whats he doing well...? He can write his own name, he can recognise 4 out of the 8 sight words they have learnt thus far (I kept saying 10 yesterday, turns out Mummy can't count!). Average for the class is 1 or none. He can sight letters up to 5 (thanks ABC2 and 3!).

He struggles with counting past 7, but found that isn't all that unusual... and he is only 4, when the majority of the class have already turned 5.

His speech has been reviewed as his teacher put in a referral for the speech therapist thats on staff, so we will find out more on that soon. But he has come along in leaps and bounds since starting 11 weeks ago.

My baby is no longer a baby, but a big smart school boy.... *sniff*

Maiden Voyage

Mission statement:  

(Because being a SAHM is a full-time job/company unto itself!)

My mission with this blog is to keep myself motivated and focused. To entertain and keep a log of my life as it is now, as I know it will all change all too quickly. 

I know my days are filled with joy and happiness, by blogging them, I hope to remind myself when days are more filled with stress and backache.