The difference between reality and the space between the ears...

A lot of the time I struggle to know the difference....

Right now I'm battling with some inner demons that are telling me I'm unworthy, fat, ugly and are telling me history will repeat itself. With this soundtrack playing I find myself reading into things too much. I find myself second guessing my decisions. My OCD habits return and at times I hear things that were never said.

But how do I tell what is real now? What is (if any) women's intuitions? I don't know...

Over feeling like I'm loosing the plot.

The power of a good vent

After my last post, I have been feeling much more positive. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and my heart.

As a mother I have felt connected and less stressed. I've been taking delight in my boys achievements. I sat back and took stock on just how far G has come since starting school. It is really mind boggling just how much he has learnt. I know its just the start, and quite frankly I'm so excited to watch him grow and mature into a wonderful young man...
I've been paying more attention to A in play. He has such an active imagination! He is such an adorable kid when he isn't pushing my buttons.

As a housewife I have felt in control. The washing up has been done of a night, the house is clean, I did all the filing today. I have been cooking better meals instead of just finding something to throw in the oven and be done with it.

As a wife I'm feeling less disconnected... Although much more improvement is needed in this area.

I even managed to make a newborn crochet set for a friend.

A large mood boost is some wonderful news from my best friend... I'm so happy for her!

.

I'm not even sure what to call this post. Where I'm going with it, or what I hope to feel after. All I know is that I need to clear my mind.

I'm feeling little ... Not sure. Odd. Depressed. Alone. Scared. Confused. Overwhelmed.

Feeling a little lost.

Right now nothing seems to be going right. The whole family unit feels ... Un-Unified...

I feel that I'm lacking as a wife, mother and house keeper. Scratch that... I KNOW I'm lacking in those departments.

As a mother I feel like a baby sitter. I often feel disconnected from the boys. Going through the motions day to day. Just hanging on until bedtime... Most days remind me of how it was when G was a baby and I was in the grips of PND. I'm wasting away some of the most beautiful times of their lives.

As a wife I feel like a housemate. I feel disconnected from him. I guess I have pulled away a bit as I get worried what he would think/feel with the craziness that's overwheming my mind of late.

As a housewife I feel like a slacker. I wish I was on top it all, all the time. But I'm not. I know the boys mess up a lot of what do, but I know I should be trying harder. I just slip into this state and its the last thing that I want to do.

So tonight marks the end to another weekend. Tomorrow the start of yet another week of fake smiles, hurried home to hide away again.