Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The art of silence

For someone who talks a lot, I also feel that that I practice the art of silence a lot.
Ignorance is bliss. Don't rock the boat. The art of silence.
I don't voice my opinion a lot anymore. Well any opinion that may be in strong contrast to others around me.
I havent always been like this. Actually as child I was a brat. As a teenager I was outgoing. But now as an adult I was to blend into the background.
I'm pretty sure I know what exactly changed me to make me like this, but regardless of what caused it - it has some massive drawbacks. Take right now for instance. There is debate in this house on a new car for me as my car is also the track toy. Due to finances and time restraints its been a long build. I have been driving this car on a daily basis even when it has been playing up, being that untuned or faults with parts.
Over all I would have thought I have been quite patient. I try not to complain or bitch. But it has taken its toll on me emotionally. I suffer from anxiety and OCD. The more 'issues' with the car, the more anxious I get about it, and that filters down to driving also. I have a large fear of breaking down and being stranded. Regardless of the distance required to travel the fear is large. The worse the car is the more crippling the fear. I get full body shakes, tightness in the chest, increased heart rate, (TMI sorry) the runs. And that's for a short drive.
All this has taken its toll on my mental health. Ive hit a wall and I really don't want to do it anymore. I dream of simplicity. I dream of getting in a car and just driving. Not worrying about idles and oil temps and pressures. I dream of ignorance.
The dream is getting closer to coming to light with the discussions around here. Although now these discussions have stalled which lead back to the art of silence.

My opinion is opposite to his. He is only happy with one car which is impossible to find. Mine is more flexible. I quietly voice it, but when his opinion is louder I back down.

If I could have my opinion safely heard, it would be.

I want a cheap to run, comfortable 4cyl manual. It is going to be my car, so I want to be happy with it. I realise you are the one fixing it and paying for it, but please be more flexible. Please think outside the square. Please allow me to step into my dream, and release some of this anxiety that bounds me.

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