.

I'm not even sure what to call this post. Where I'm going with it, or what I hope to feel after. All I know is that I need to clear my mind.

I'm feeling little ... Not sure. Odd. Depressed. Alone. Scared. Confused. Overwhelmed.

Feeling a little lost.

Right now nothing seems to be going right. The whole family unit feels ... Un-Unified...

I feel that I'm lacking as a wife, mother and house keeper. Scratch that... I KNOW I'm lacking in those departments.

As a mother I feel like a baby sitter. I often feel disconnected from the boys. Going through the motions day to day. Just hanging on until bedtime... Most days remind me of how it was when G was a baby and I was in the grips of PND. I'm wasting away some of the most beautiful times of their lives.

As a wife I feel like a housemate. I feel disconnected from him. I guess I have pulled away a bit as I get worried what he would think/feel with the craziness that's overwheming my mind of late.

As a housewife I feel like a slacker. I wish I was on top it all, all the time. But I'm not. I know the boys mess up a lot of what do, but I know I should be trying harder. I just slip into this state and its the last thing that I want to do.

So tonight marks the end to another weekend. Tomorrow the start of yet another week of fake smiles, hurried home to hide away again.

Anxiety is an evil bitch....

J is inisiting I drive into the city tomorrow....

Panic is setting in.

There is the fear of breaking down. The fear of breaking down somewhere I can't pull off the road. The fear of being stranded.

I know I need to pull myself through these thoughts and ignore the crazy.

Hard to do though.

Logically I know that even if the worst were to happen (car breaks down, somewhere unable to pull off the road, in peak hr). That it really isn't the end of the world.... When the panic sets in makes it really hard to remember that.

Panic. Fear. Crazy. Damn you mind, can't you just let me be?

The art of silence

For someone who talks a lot, I also feel that that I practice the art of silence a lot.
Ignorance is bliss. Don't rock the boat. The art of silence.
I don't voice my opinion a lot anymore. Well any opinion that may be in strong contrast to others around me.
I havent always been like this. Actually as child I was a brat. As a teenager I was outgoing. But now as an adult I was to blend into the background.
I'm pretty sure I know what exactly changed me to make me like this, but regardless of what caused it - it has some massive drawbacks. Take right now for instance. There is debate in this house on a new car for me as my car is also the track toy. Due to finances and time restraints its been a long build. I have been driving this car on a daily basis even when it has been playing up, being that untuned or faults with parts.
Over all I would have thought I have been quite patient. I try not to complain or bitch. But it has taken its toll on me emotionally. I suffer from anxiety and OCD. The more 'issues' with the car, the more anxious I get about it, and that filters down to driving also. I have a large fear of breaking down and being stranded. Regardless of the distance required to travel the fear is large. The worse the car is the more crippling the fear. I get full body shakes, tightness in the chest, increased heart rate, (TMI sorry) the runs. And that's for a short drive.
All this has taken its toll on my mental health. Ive hit a wall and I really don't want to do it anymore. I dream of simplicity. I dream of getting in a car and just driving. Not worrying about idles and oil temps and pressures. I dream of ignorance.
The dream is getting closer to coming to light with the discussions around here. Although now these discussions have stalled which lead back to the art of silence.

My opinion is opposite to his. He is only happy with one car which is impossible to find. Mine is more flexible. I quietly voice it, but when his opinion is louder I back down.

If I could have my opinion safely heard, it would be.

I want a cheap to run, comfortable 4cyl manual. It is going to be my car, so I want to be happy with it. I realise you are the one fixing it and paying for it, but please be more flexible. Please think outside the square. Please allow me to step into my dream, and release some of this anxiety that bounds me.

The amazing mind of a child

Garretts capacity to learn seriously amazes me daily.
Last year he refused to let me teach him anything. He would flat out refuse to listen when we talked alphabet or numbers. He didn't like to be read to. He couldn't write his name. His speech was well behind.
Just 9 months into his schooling life, and he has picked the ball up and shot out of the park. He has caught up to the average for his age, and in some respects has well exceeded expectations.
He loves to write. He is starting to read. His speech is almost back on track.
It is seriously amazing just how much he has picked up in such a small space of time.

Bekky the builder...

I got sick of the junk that was visible from under stairs. Thank god for bunnings and cheap fencing solutions. Around $20 for this, and now it looks a lot cleaner! Needs to be attached better to the steps though (currently held on by the twist ties that were in packet with the fencing!).

 

Beauty of old windows... The gorgeous wood found under stupid layers paint. The job is crazy hard work though. So much so I have given up for now. I bought a Sander and a tin of paint stripper. But its still damn hard work!  

I talked about this in a previous post. 

They were built to solve a storage problem in the boys room. I used the pieces from their old flat pack drawers that ande broke. 

I cant take credit for this though... This was Jason's handywork. Will look great when its finished.

My apologies for the strange formatting on this post. Blogger is gone wack today.

 I have been hard at work around the house. Poor Jase has been working hard to provide for us, so I've been using my time at home to good use.

Holy preservative Batman

I'm not much of a newage mum. I don't care how much tv they watch. I don't buy organic food. I let them eat crap. Chocolates have been had for breakfast.

I'm not worried by preservatives.

Luckily! As these cupcakes, and then Ande's 3rd birthday cake had butt loads of them in it.
A friend had mentioned rainbow cakes on Facebook. I did a Google on how exactly this is done, and stumbled upon this YouTube clip ---->http://www.youtube.com/user/fondasaurusrex#p/u/9/9AOuFn83-n4
So, obviously I had to give it a go. 

They worked well, which gave me the confidence to try the cake for Ande's birthday.
As his party and birthday were on different days, he got 2 cakes.

Not for the faint hearted... When eaten in large quantities (as ande did!) It will turn shit green!

Necessity is the mother of all invention

It is really is true. Necessity is really the mother of invention.

I struggle with keeping the boys clothes in order. Once upon time they had an IKEA set just like this...

But captain insainty (aka. Ande) used it as a ladder come launch pad, and that was then end of that flat pack.
Jase had built the boys this set of shelves as toy/child storage awhile ago.

I looked at it and thought about how I could use them to now solve the storage issue.

My first idea was to fill the spaces with baskets. The boys usually put their own clothes away, and pick their own clothes out. This inevitably means their drawers end up resembling some kind of multicoloured vortex where nothing will ever stay clean, folded or in order.

This worked..... Somewhat. Would have been perfect if the boys didn't own their own mini store collection of clothes each. The baskets were smaller than the cubbies, and they have so much to fit in that finding anything became a shitfight, and/or they just dumped everything out on the floor.


So next up I folded up all there clothes into the cubbies. But shortly after, cyclone ande came to town. This was the aftermath.

So back to the drawing board. When the original drawers broke, I dismantled what was left and kept what I thought might be of use. Over the weekend I got out these bits and pieces, put on my 'surely this can't be that hard' hat, and got to work creating some drawers to place inside the cubbies.

Ok so they aren't that great.

Yep. They're a bit shit.

Ok... Quite shit... 

But I made them. I made them from cutting up shitty preloved flat pack. And they work. Their clothes fit. They can find want they want. And hopefully, they won't destroy them.

Hey, one can dream?