I wish....

I wish I could ignore the box pulled apart and broken.
I wish I could ignore the fridge door left open.
I wish to see the toilet flushed.
I wish to not hear 'Mum! He hurt me!'
I wish to not hear 'but he hurt me first!'
I wish for a moment of silence.

I wish I was strong enough to laugh instead of cry.
I wish I never had such angry thoughts.
I wish I was the mum that was always there, always cared.
I wish at times to not be here.

I wish I was a better mum, instead of the poor excuse I see in the mirror.

The difference between reality and the space between the ears...

A lot of the time I struggle to know the difference....

Right now I'm battling with some inner demons that are telling me I'm unworthy, fat, ugly and are telling me history will repeat itself. With this soundtrack playing I find myself reading into things too much. I find myself second guessing my decisions. My OCD habits return and at times I hear things that were never said.

But how do I tell what is real now? What is (if any) women's intuitions? I don't know...

Over feeling like I'm loosing the plot.

The power of a good vent

After my last post, I have been feeling much more positive. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and my heart.

As a mother I have felt connected and less stressed. I've been taking delight in my boys achievements. I sat back and took stock on just how far G has come since starting school. It is really mind boggling just how much he has learnt. I know its just the start, and quite frankly I'm so excited to watch him grow and mature into a wonderful young man...
I've been paying more attention to A in play. He has such an active imagination! He is such an adorable kid when he isn't pushing my buttons.

As a housewife I have felt in control. The washing up has been done of a night, the house is clean, I did all the filing today. I have been cooking better meals instead of just finding something to throw in the oven and be done with it.

As a wife I'm feeling less disconnected... Although much more improvement is needed in this area.

I even managed to make a newborn crochet set for a friend.

A large mood boost is some wonderful news from my best friend... I'm so happy for her!

.

I'm not even sure what to call this post. Where I'm going with it, or what I hope to feel after. All I know is that I need to clear my mind.

I'm feeling little ... Not sure. Odd. Depressed. Alone. Scared. Confused. Overwhelmed.

Feeling a little lost.

Right now nothing seems to be going right. The whole family unit feels ... Un-Unified...

I feel that I'm lacking as a wife, mother and house keeper. Scratch that... I KNOW I'm lacking in those departments.

As a mother I feel like a baby sitter. I often feel disconnected from the boys. Going through the motions day to day. Just hanging on until bedtime... Most days remind me of how it was when G was a baby and I was in the grips of PND. I'm wasting away some of the most beautiful times of their lives.

As a wife I feel like a housemate. I feel disconnected from him. I guess I have pulled away a bit as I get worried what he would think/feel with the craziness that's overwheming my mind of late.

As a housewife I feel like a slacker. I wish I was on top it all, all the time. But I'm not. I know the boys mess up a lot of what do, but I know I should be trying harder. I just slip into this state and its the last thing that I want to do.

So tonight marks the end to another weekend. Tomorrow the start of yet another week of fake smiles, hurried home to hide away again.

Anxiety is an evil bitch....

J is inisiting I drive into the city tomorrow....

Panic is setting in.

There is the fear of breaking down. The fear of breaking down somewhere I can't pull off the road. The fear of being stranded.

I know I need to pull myself through these thoughts and ignore the crazy.

Hard to do though.

Logically I know that even if the worst were to happen (car breaks down, somewhere unable to pull off the road, in peak hr). That it really isn't the end of the world.... When the panic sets in makes it really hard to remember that.

Panic. Fear. Crazy. Damn you mind, can't you just let me be?

The art of silence

For someone who talks a lot, I also feel that that I practice the art of silence a lot.
Ignorance is bliss. Don't rock the boat. The art of silence.
I don't voice my opinion a lot anymore. Well any opinion that may be in strong contrast to others around me.
I havent always been like this. Actually as child I was a brat. As a teenager I was outgoing. But now as an adult I was to blend into the background.
I'm pretty sure I know what exactly changed me to make me like this, but regardless of what caused it - it has some massive drawbacks. Take right now for instance. There is debate in this house on a new car for me as my car is also the track toy. Due to finances and time restraints its been a long build. I have been driving this car on a daily basis even when it has been playing up, being that untuned or faults with parts.
Over all I would have thought I have been quite patient. I try not to complain or bitch. But it has taken its toll on me emotionally. I suffer from anxiety and OCD. The more 'issues' with the car, the more anxious I get about it, and that filters down to driving also. I have a large fear of breaking down and being stranded. Regardless of the distance required to travel the fear is large. The worse the car is the more crippling the fear. I get full body shakes, tightness in the chest, increased heart rate, (TMI sorry) the runs. And that's for a short drive.
All this has taken its toll on my mental health. Ive hit a wall and I really don't want to do it anymore. I dream of simplicity. I dream of getting in a car and just driving. Not worrying about idles and oil temps and pressures. I dream of ignorance.
The dream is getting closer to coming to light with the discussions around here. Although now these discussions have stalled which lead back to the art of silence.

My opinion is opposite to his. He is only happy with one car which is impossible to find. Mine is more flexible. I quietly voice it, but when his opinion is louder I back down.

If I could have my opinion safely heard, it would be.

I want a cheap to run, comfortable 4cyl manual. It is going to be my car, so I want to be happy with it. I realise you are the one fixing it and paying for it, but please be more flexible. Please think outside the square. Please allow me to step into my dream, and release some of this anxiety that bounds me.

The amazing mind of a child

Garretts capacity to learn seriously amazes me daily.
Last year he refused to let me teach him anything. He would flat out refuse to listen when we talked alphabet or numbers. He didn't like to be read to. He couldn't write his name. His speech was well behind.
Just 9 months into his schooling life, and he has picked the ball up and shot out of the park. He has caught up to the average for his age, and in some respects has well exceeded expectations.
He loves to write. He is starting to read. His speech is almost back on track.
It is seriously amazing just how much he has picked up in such a small space of time.

Bekky the builder...

I got sick of the junk that was visible from under stairs. Thank god for bunnings and cheap fencing solutions. Around $20 for this, and now it looks a lot cleaner! Needs to be attached better to the steps though (currently held on by the twist ties that were in packet with the fencing!).

 

Beauty of old windows... The gorgeous wood found under stupid layers paint. The job is crazy hard work though. So much so I have given up for now. I bought a Sander and a tin of paint stripper. But its still damn hard work!  

I talked about this in a previous post. 

They were built to solve a storage problem in the boys room. I used the pieces from their old flat pack drawers that ande broke. 

I cant take credit for this though... This was Jason's handywork. Will look great when its finished.

My apologies for the strange formatting on this post. Blogger is gone wack today.

 I have been hard at work around the house. Poor Jase has been working hard to provide for us, so I've been using my time at home to good use.

Holy preservative Batman

I'm not much of a newage mum. I don't care how much tv they watch. I don't buy organic food. I let them eat crap. Chocolates have been had for breakfast.

I'm not worried by preservatives.

Luckily! As these cupcakes, and then Ande's 3rd birthday cake had butt loads of them in it.
A friend had mentioned rainbow cakes on Facebook. I did a Google on how exactly this is done, and stumbled upon this YouTube clip ---->http://www.youtube.com/user/fondasaurusrex#p/u/9/9AOuFn83-n4
So, obviously I had to give it a go. 

They worked well, which gave me the confidence to try the cake for Ande's birthday.
As his party and birthday were on different days, he got 2 cakes.

Not for the faint hearted... When eaten in large quantities (as ande did!) It will turn shit green!

Necessity is the mother of all invention

It is really is true. Necessity is really the mother of invention.

I struggle with keeping the boys clothes in order. Once upon time they had an IKEA set just like this...

But captain insainty (aka. Ande) used it as a ladder come launch pad, and that was then end of that flat pack.
Jase had built the boys this set of shelves as toy/child storage awhile ago.

I looked at it and thought about how I could use them to now solve the storage issue.

My first idea was to fill the spaces with baskets. The boys usually put their own clothes away, and pick their own clothes out. This inevitably means their drawers end up resembling some kind of multicoloured vortex where nothing will ever stay clean, folded or in order.

This worked..... Somewhat. Would have been perfect if the boys didn't own their own mini store collection of clothes each. The baskets were smaller than the cubbies, and they have so much to fit in that finding anything became a shitfight, and/or they just dumped everything out on the floor.


So next up I folded up all there clothes into the cubbies. But shortly after, cyclone ande came to town. This was the aftermath.

So back to the drawing board. When the original drawers broke, I dismantled what was left and kept what I thought might be of use. Over the weekend I got out these bits and pieces, put on my 'surely this can't be that hard' hat, and got to work creating some drawers to place inside the cubbies.

Ok so they aren't that great.

Yep. They're a bit shit.

Ok... Quite shit... 

But I made them. I made them from cutting up shitty preloved flat pack. And they work. Their clothes fit. They can find want they want. And hopefully, they won't destroy them.

Hey, one can dream?

Wonderful Wednesday

I've decided that I really need to take time out each week (well, each day would be better but I won't bore you with that) to remember what is wonderful about my life. There are days like today when I really need to remember to keep myself from banging my head against the wall.

Quiet moments
Right now, as I type this, I'm laying on Garrett's bed, gorgeous QLD sunshine is flickering through the wooden blinds. Ande is (was) quietly watching sesame st. I have a chance after sorting through some toys for charity to just chill. I'm not sure why, but lately I've much preferred to relax in the boys room, rather than my own. I guess because its just so much more inviting with the winter sun warming up this side of the house.
I so could go for a nanna lap right about now.

Happy Ande after naughty Ande and wonderful uplifting friends
This morning I was mortified when Ande threw a tantrum at the shops. He isn't one that regularly has those public displays of aggression (private is a whole other matter!), so it still catches me off guard when he doesn't stop after the first word of warning. I gave up what I was doing and we came home. I had a sook on Facebook and was almost instantly reassured that his behaviour wasn't a direct reflection on my parenting skills. It so often feels like it is, so to be so quickly uplifted was comforting as well as reassuring.
After we got home, ande must have realised that he'd pushed me to my limits and has returned to happy Ande. Typical.

Access to good quality drugs
Before you start calling DOCS and scream 'won't somebody please think of the children' lovejoy from the Simpsons style. I'm talking painkillers. I've had an horrible toothache that nothing I tried had worked at giving me any real relief for any real length.of time. That is until today. I've got something new, and for about 2 and a bit hours I've been feeling relatively normal.

I don't even have to brave pick up today as Garrett is getting a lift home!

The simple pleasures

I had the most wonderful of phone calls today.

Probably the best I have had all week. Maybe all month.

It was Jase. He called just to say that he loves me.

That is all. Nothing more, nothing less.

The feeling I got from this simple act I cant put into words. It meant so much at that point in time for him to have made that call. I still have goosebumps when I think about it...

Yep, Love is a simple - but marvelous thing. 3 simple words.

The race car family

We are a different breed of family here. We love cars, heck we named our first born after a turbo. We are a Nissan family, and own and drive imports. Our family car is a 2dr Nissan r33 skyline. That's my car, and I love it (more so when we get it tuned properly soon!).

On the weekend we went to the race track for 'happy laps'. Happy laps, for those that don't know is where you can take your car, out on the race track for a few laps. No silliness, just fun driving. We've done this a few times before, but this week we took the boys out for the first time.

Oh. My. Goodness.

The boys adored every minute of it. Garrett picked cars ahead and said that he was 'driving' those. Ande made more car noise than what my car did.

The experience its self would have been enough to make my day, but more so because of the pure joy I could see on their faces.

Here are a few snaps taken on the track.

My poor neglected sewing cabinet

I'm not proud to admit it, especially when a lot of sewers would LOVE a Horn sewing cabinet. Mine is very unloved of late.
Over the past few years I've gone from sewing all day most days, to rarely sewing at all. Just after the peak of my sewing, my grandmother offered me her sewing cabinet. It was lovingly received and it rekindled my love of sewing.
Since buying this house and moving my sewing time has diminished to the point were my machine now lays idle for months at a time. The only reason it has been used at all lately is because I could not find any winter pants for G for school which resulted in me having to make them.
A reason it doesn't get used would be that probably around year ago A lost my key for the cabinet, and the spare we found for it a month or so later. Getting the machine out was a mission without the keys! When the passion isn't there, that amount of effort just isn't worth it.
All of this brings us to this week. J found a set of old keys under the house, which fit the cabinet. Today I have hemmed up 3 sets of pants for G, turned a size 10 jumper into a 7, and then cleaned and reorganized the cabinet.

Gosh its nice to have it all clean and organised, maybe it will spark my Passion again?

Raising gentle boys in a rough world

As my boys get older, the more I start to realise just how rough the world is. As a child you have huge blinders on courtesy of your parents. They have protected you from the evils until you have been mature enough to start processing and handling the world on your own.

Nothing changes your world view quite like having children. I didn't think of the consequences of most of my actions, or generally the world around me before kids. Well I did, but nothing like I do since having the boys. Now that I'm the one providing the blinders - I need to see so much more. I need to see to be able to best protect them from harm. Even just this afternoon I had to defend A against a bully at school who was standing over him at the toilets.

Garrett

I have 2 very different boys. As babies they were almost spitting image. Almost that same weight (100g difference), almost the same height. Looked the same. But as they have grown into their personalities - and at least at this point they are like chalk and cheese.

G is my now 5 year old. He is so kind and gentle. He is selfless and sweet. Its almost like he spends his days just trying to find a way to make the people around him happy. He is not a rough boy, quite the opposite. He hates confrontation. He doesn't fight and even when picked on he struggles to bring himself to fight back.

Ande

A is my very rough, very active 2 year old. He is very much in the 'terrible two's'. He is very spirited and quite often plays the part of the bully in his relationship with his brother. I'm praying that this is just a stage and he too will calm down.

Trying to encourage G to keep his gentle personality in this society is proving difficult. Daddy insists that when he is picked on, he must fight back. If he doesn't fight back he only sets himself up for more bullying. Although as much as G has been told he can fight back if he needs to, he doesn't. When A steals his toys, he tells me about it. When I tell him to go get them back he struggles to fight A to get them back. Its just not in his personality to fight back.

G is very protective of me and A. He has taken to the role of big brother and eldest son very well. His protective side coupled with his gentle caring personality will set him up greatly for being a wonderful gentleman later in life. But his gentle personality is setting him up for a difficult childhoods thus far. He has only been at school for 18 weeks, and has been bullied multiple times already.

If anyone is wondering how we 'made' a gentle boy like G. I don't think that we can actually take any real credit. G is a mini Poppy, and Poppy was most wonderful kind gentleman that I will ever know. My two older brothers are also gentle natured gentleman, so obviously my up bringing nurtures such personalities. I'm quite protective of the boys, and I'm also very affectionate with them. If you have read my previous post on love, I have similar thoughts in relation to my boys. Although the unconditional love comes alot easier towards them! I am forever telling them how much I love them. We have games of  'I love you THIS <-------------> much, although its now become 'I love you *insert strange object here* much'. Lots of hugs and kisses and alot of love here.

I guess the trick for me as their mum will be to keep the gentle personality while instilling them with the self confidence to defend themselves or those they love if the need arises. A balancing act that I hope for their sake I can pull off!

Love is a choice

Well, for me it is anyway.

I say love is a choice for me because I choose to love my husband on his bad days. I choose to stand by him even when our chips are down and our life together isn't rosey. I do this because I know that under all this superficial layer of stress and worry, I love him and he loves me. The rest will come and go - but our love will be there under it all.

I don't expect every day to be perfect. I don't expect that he will always be on his best behaviour. At times will say things that may not be nice. I try to ignore these things because I know that he loves me. I also know that I am not perfect. I know that there are times when I will snap and take it out on him, and I pray that at those times he will choose to ignore my faults - and choose to love me despite them.

The way I see it, is that in a relationship your other half is your soft place to fall. When things are good it is easy to be happy, love will be in abundance and the relationship seems to be effortless. When things get tough, it takes alot out of relationship and this is when it takes work to keep things moving. The rewards for moving through the bad times back into good are priceless though, so its well worth the effort.

I actively work on our relationship every day. I can not control his actions, but I can control my own. I make sure that I give him a kiss and cuddle and tell him I love him every morning before he leaves for work. I do this because its important to me that he is reminded of this, just incase, God forbid, the worst happens. I want him to never forget that I love him. I try to never go to bed angry, that just makes things worse for me.

Another way that I actively work on our relationship is that I do things for him. I get up and I make his coffee and his lunch for the day every morning. I do not do these things for him because I am his 'slave', but I do these things as an act of love towards him. I know that doing these things make him happy, and I am only to happy to do that for him. I am a stay at home mum, and I feel my job is to keep the house running. I do these jobs out of love too. I am very thankful that he carries the financial burden of family so that I can be the wife and mother I had always dreamed of being.

What he does for me I can not put into words. He loves me completely. He makes me feel safe and secure when I'm scared. He makes me feel beautiful when I'm feeling fugly. He was my rock when I lost my father to cancer. He stands tall and supports me and our family from attacks. He puts up with my ramblings even though he has never been a 'talker' (I never shut up ;)). When my over active imagination takes my mind to 'bekkyland', he is there to pull me back to earth.  He is defiantly the Man of this house, strong and dependable.

Of course a marriage isn't one sided, but I can only do my best to make sure I keep up my end of the bargain. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

And heck, it isn't that hard when you sit back and think about it.... Because in the end - I love him, and he loves me... and as long as this is still true, the rest doesn't matter.

The Happiness project...

As part of the happiness project over at seven cherubs, I had been logging a happy moment from each day - a one sentence happiness journal. When the laptop and media centre died, I lost track of it. But since I like to see things through - here is my month of looking at the sunny side of things...

April 10th
Its not the act of baking that makes me happy, but the knowledge that I'm doing something that makes the ones I love happy. Its an act of love.

April 11th
I'm happy in the knowledge that I have surrounded myself with genuine friends. Ones that prop me up when I'm at risk of falling.

April 12th
Happy that I can push myself to exercise, even though I wasn't feeling up to it.

April 13th
Today is my birthday. I am happy that I have so many that love me, and even though I am very sad that my father is no longer here to celebrate this day with me, knowledge that he loves me, and is looking down on me today.

April 14th
Oh Google Latitute, I <3 you! Happiness today is knowing where J is on the road without having to harrass him for updates.


April 15th
Happiness is having both your babies home! School holidays have begun!

April 16th
My friends make me happy. Having such wonderful people here today to help me celebrate my birthday, have made me remember how blessed I am to have friends like them.

April 17th
Happiness today is the laptop surviving a glass of coke spilling over it!

April 18th
I am very happy to realise that even though we are struggling, we are not down and out.

April 19th
Routines make me happy.

April 20th
What makes me happy today? The fact that my husband made it home safe after 17hours at work and then a 1+hr drive home.

April 21st
Being woken up after falling asleep on the couch by A shaking my face saying "Wake up Mummy!" makes me happy. So very cute, and funny.

April 22nd
Family time makes me happy. Good Friday and J has the day off. Its been a wonderful time having him home.

April 23rd
Having knitting/crocheting skills makes me happy. Finishing an item that Im really happy with boosts my self esteem and I take alot of pride in my work.

April 24th
Baking for others makes me happy.

April 25th
Today, I am happy as I am free. Lest we forget.

April 26th
School holidays make me happy. I love spending time with my boys.

April 27th
Mummy free time makes me happy. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and geez I miss the kids when they aren't here!

April 28th
I am happy knowing that even on the tough days, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

April 29th
Being able to look after my sick child makes me happy. I am very thankful that I have been given the gift of being a stay at home mum and not worry about work.

April 30th
Saturdays make me happy. The weekend, family time, these are the things that happiness is made of.

May 1st
My hubby makes me happy. I love being his wife.

May 2nd
Happiness is a school morning that runs like clockwork.

May 3rd
Happiness... Uhhh, today would be knowing that I'm not as reliant on technology as I thought I was.

May 4th
I am happy that I am here.

May 5th
My hubby's work ethic makes me happy and proud. Happiness is knowing that he loves us so much that he is willing to work insane hours just to keep this little family ticking over.

May 6th
The end of the week makes me happy.

May 7th
My boy's make me happy. They are such gorgeous little ones!

May 8th
Happiness is being the Mother to two amazing little boys.

May 9th
Being frugal makes me happy!

May 10th
I am happy that my usual bad luck of 10 and 5 did not eventuate this year!

Monday, what a day!

I spoke to G's teacher yesterday and she did know about the bathroom bullying incident from last week and it had been dealt with appropriately. We discussed his need for more self confidence and how best to tackle that.

She then informs me just how much of a delight my little man is... This I already know ;)

So yes, point one to a great start to Monday.

A and I proceed to the shops to get him a foot stool for the loo to assist his tiny body with toilet training. When we brought this home, he placed it a the loo himself and later on went and did his business. He was super proud of himself (as he is too little to climb up himself usually).

Point two.

Headache comes on just before lunch. Pain killers do diddley squat so I spend the rest of the day in bed waiting for pick up time to roll around.

Minus one point.

A and I left home early to go see G receive his good behaviour award at school. We stop in at the office first to drop off some paperwork. I was ignored until the ladies had finished their conversation. Charming.

Minus one more point.

A and I go back up to the hall and wait at the back. I brought he camera, and was able to capture this...

G receiving his silver behaviour award. 2nd level up :) Awesome work buddy!

Add at least 20 points.

After I took this photo Ande insists that he needs to use the loo. I figured we'd seen him get his award, and rather than disturb the assembly coming back in, we just left it at that. Found out after that G had received another award. This one was received in front of the whole assembly. I missed this one.

Minus at least 10 points.

The whole afternoon at home the boys were FERAL. I so desperately needed respite but J was still at work.

Minus 5 points.

I made sausage pasta bake for dinner, and G and A ate all their dinner. A actually ate all his dinner and all of his second helping.

Add 5 points.

J gets home in a good mood and we have a family viewing of Mythbusters. Both boys snuggled in with Daddy. I love watching that.

Add 5 points.

Went to bed at a decent hour, and A slept through the night - in his own bed!!!

Add 10 points.

Monday's total: 25 points.

I'd say that over all that makes for a pretty good Monday.

Bullies, may you all get whats coming to you.

I'm a mumma bear, I've gone over this before. So when poor G started crying over me telling him to hurry up and get in his seat, I knew something more had gone on today.

At first I told him to stop crying, and when he wouldn't, I told him to let it all out. After a few minutes of this I said "Ok matey, tell Mummy what's happened today." It all came out so quick that I could barely make sense of it all. So after alittle bit of replay with him, this is what happened today.

During class, he has gone to the toilet.
Corey from another prep class has pushed the door open on him.
He has said to him 'Stop it. I don't like it" (as he has been told to do)
Corey has snapped that back at him.
Corey has continued to open the door up on G while has he been desperately trying to go to the loo and also been fighting to keep the door closed... He tells me that he tried to lock it, but Corey just pushed it open again...
At some point Corey has laughed at him saying "I can see your bum".

I guess its all pretty harmless, but I've seen this happen to another child and I had to intervene as I could hear the fear in the childs voice. To think that my own baby has had to go through this, breaks my heart. Its obviously got him pretty shaken up as he is still upset now. Any small thing is setting him off. He tells me that he told his teacher, and she said "I'll deal with it". So I hope that they do.

Actually, no its not 'harmless'. How would you like the toilet door being pushed open constantly, when you have fought back and told the person no. It is bullying, and I know I wouldn't like it one little bit.

It may all be a part of growing up, but its a part Im going to struggle most with.

Meal Planning

Righto - I'm endeavoring to be ontop of it this fortnight! Groceries done (for those interested, I'll tally up the food side of it and do another post on that. It was $150 for the fortnight including nappies and everything to make G's birthday cake.)



Wednesday
Chicken Cordon bleu w/ chips and veggies (We picked up these from our butchers, 6 for $10. So hopefully they taste ok!)
Thursday
Beef stew w/ dumplings (Stew to be made with left over stir fry sauce - so lets see how this works)
Friday
Tacos
Saturday
Pizza and sausage rolls if needed
Sunday
Chicken + bacon risotto (- the bacon, since I forgot it. LOL!)
Monday
Sausage pasta bake
Tuesday
Pies w/ chips and veggies
Wednesday
Corned beef w/mash
Thursday
Bubble n' squeak w/ extra nuggets and veggies
Friday
Hot dogs
Saturday
Chili con carne puffs (Ill post up about this when I do them, hopefully they work!)
Sunday
Bangers and mash
Monday
Chicken cordon bleu w/ chips and veggies
Tuesday
Sausage pasta bake or bolognaise bake




Wish me luck!