I wish....

I wish I could ignore the box pulled apart and broken.
I wish I could ignore the fridge door left open.
I wish to see the toilet flushed.
I wish to not hear 'Mum! He hurt me!'
I wish to not hear 'but he hurt me first!'
I wish for a moment of silence.

I wish I was strong enough to laugh instead of cry.
I wish I never had such angry thoughts.
I wish I was the mum that was always there, always cared.
I wish at times to not be here.

I wish I was a better mum, instead of the poor excuse I see in the mirror.

The difference between reality and the space between the ears...

A lot of the time I struggle to know the difference....

Right now I'm battling with some inner demons that are telling me I'm unworthy, fat, ugly and are telling me history will repeat itself. With this soundtrack playing I find myself reading into things too much. I find myself second guessing my decisions. My OCD habits return and at times I hear things that were never said.

But how do I tell what is real now? What is (if any) women's intuitions? I don't know...

Over feeling like I'm loosing the plot.

The power of a good vent

After my last post, I have been feeling much more positive. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and my heart.

As a mother I have felt connected and less stressed. I've been taking delight in my boys achievements. I sat back and took stock on just how far G has come since starting school. It is really mind boggling just how much he has learnt. I know its just the start, and quite frankly I'm so excited to watch him grow and mature into a wonderful young man...
I've been paying more attention to A in play. He has such an active imagination! He is such an adorable kid when he isn't pushing my buttons.

As a housewife I have felt in control. The washing up has been done of a night, the house is clean, I did all the filing today. I have been cooking better meals instead of just finding something to throw in the oven and be done with it.

As a wife I'm feeling less disconnected... Although much more improvement is needed in this area.

I even managed to make a newborn crochet set for a friend.

A large mood boost is some wonderful news from my best friend... I'm so happy for her!

.

I'm not even sure what to call this post. Where I'm going with it, or what I hope to feel after. All I know is that I need to clear my mind.

I'm feeling little ... Not sure. Odd. Depressed. Alone. Scared. Confused. Overwhelmed.

Feeling a little lost.

Right now nothing seems to be going right. The whole family unit feels ... Un-Unified...

I feel that I'm lacking as a wife, mother and house keeper. Scratch that... I KNOW I'm lacking in those departments.

As a mother I feel like a baby sitter. I often feel disconnected from the boys. Going through the motions day to day. Just hanging on until bedtime... Most days remind me of how it was when G was a baby and I was in the grips of PND. I'm wasting away some of the most beautiful times of their lives.

As a wife I feel like a housemate. I feel disconnected from him. I guess I have pulled away a bit as I get worried what he would think/feel with the craziness that's overwheming my mind of late.

As a housewife I feel like a slacker. I wish I was on top it all, all the time. But I'm not. I know the boys mess up a lot of what do, but I know I should be trying harder. I just slip into this state and its the last thing that I want to do.

So tonight marks the end to another weekend. Tomorrow the start of yet another week of fake smiles, hurried home to hide away again.

Anxiety is an evil bitch....

J is inisiting I drive into the city tomorrow....

Panic is setting in.

There is the fear of breaking down. The fear of breaking down somewhere I can't pull off the road. The fear of being stranded.

I know I need to pull myself through these thoughts and ignore the crazy.

Hard to do though.

Logically I know that even if the worst were to happen (car breaks down, somewhere unable to pull off the road, in peak hr). That it really isn't the end of the world.... When the panic sets in makes it really hard to remember that.

Panic. Fear. Crazy. Damn you mind, can't you just let me be?

The art of silence

For someone who talks a lot, I also feel that that I practice the art of silence a lot.
Ignorance is bliss. Don't rock the boat. The art of silence.
I don't voice my opinion a lot anymore. Well any opinion that may be in strong contrast to others around me.
I havent always been like this. Actually as child I was a brat. As a teenager I was outgoing. But now as an adult I was to blend into the background.
I'm pretty sure I know what exactly changed me to make me like this, but regardless of what caused it - it has some massive drawbacks. Take right now for instance. There is debate in this house on a new car for me as my car is also the track toy. Due to finances and time restraints its been a long build. I have been driving this car on a daily basis even when it has been playing up, being that untuned or faults with parts.
Over all I would have thought I have been quite patient. I try not to complain or bitch. But it has taken its toll on me emotionally. I suffer from anxiety and OCD. The more 'issues' with the car, the more anxious I get about it, and that filters down to driving also. I have a large fear of breaking down and being stranded. Regardless of the distance required to travel the fear is large. The worse the car is the more crippling the fear. I get full body shakes, tightness in the chest, increased heart rate, (TMI sorry) the runs. And that's for a short drive.
All this has taken its toll on my mental health. Ive hit a wall and I really don't want to do it anymore. I dream of simplicity. I dream of getting in a car and just driving. Not worrying about idles and oil temps and pressures. I dream of ignorance.
The dream is getting closer to coming to light with the discussions around here. Although now these discussions have stalled which lead back to the art of silence.

My opinion is opposite to his. He is only happy with one car which is impossible to find. Mine is more flexible. I quietly voice it, but when his opinion is louder I back down.

If I could have my opinion safely heard, it would be.

I want a cheap to run, comfortable 4cyl manual. It is going to be my car, so I want to be happy with it. I realise you are the one fixing it and paying for it, but please be more flexible. Please think outside the square. Please allow me to step into my dream, and release some of this anxiety that bounds me.

The amazing mind of a child

Garretts capacity to learn seriously amazes me daily.
Last year he refused to let me teach him anything. He would flat out refuse to listen when we talked alphabet or numbers. He didn't like to be read to. He couldn't write his name. His speech was well behind.
Just 9 months into his schooling life, and he has picked the ball up and shot out of the park. He has caught up to the average for his age, and in some respects has well exceeded expectations.
He loves to write. He is starting to read. His speech is almost back on track.
It is seriously amazing just how much he has picked up in such a small space of time.